Online Dating 101

I wonder if this online dating thing is going to be how we all find dates in the future. For now, it's just what losers do unless you're like 40 and can’t get a date. Then you’re not a loser just Internet savvy. Do I classify myself as such? What? Internet savvy? No, why do you ask? Oh a loser? Yes. But several people recently have told me, "Online dating! You don't need to do that!" to which I say shut up dad and get off of the line.

I'm a member of OkCupid, which is a free site as opposed to eharmony which will cost you an arm and a leg because they do the matching for you, based on about 674 questions they ask you before you even start. Communicating with potential mates is further simplified by "guided" communication, or "not actually being yourself" so no judgment can happen yet. One pro is that as the rate of annoying questions increases, the probability of getting murdered decreases. But I'm on OkCupid because the percentages of kinky rapists are higher. On OkCupid they leave all the chitchat up to you; you have to establish a cute opening line with someone, so they won't just reject you based on your looks. After that comes a conversation that lasts "just long enough" so you think you know you want to meet the other person for "real." Usually by message three, I get impatient and say something like, "So do you like me or what?" Online dating is like online shopping; you don't know what anything really looks like, but after looking at the crappy picture a few days in a row, you just order it to see if it's a fit. If you actually get a date, you get to see your online purchase in person and if you are bold enough, try it on and decide if it's too small, too itchy or just plain ugly. With online shopping, you hope you don't get screwed; with online dating you hope they know how.

In the future, online dating will be faster. Right now, on OkCupid, there are various boxes you have to fill in about yourself. If you don't put up a picture, OkCupid will hint that you should REALLY put up a picture. After every message, OkCupid will tell you to change your profile, so that the other person is more likely to respond... thanks for the stalking advice, OkCupid, I'm glad you know how to manipulate people into liking me. In the future we will have to answer really personal questions. Are you circumcised? Do you enjoy surprise butt-sex? Upload a picture of your penis, so "So & So" is more likely to respond.

First meetings will never get easier. I have talked to a lot of guys online. Only two of them actually turned into "dates." I came home from one of them to find my date's age had mysteriously gone up seven years... The other one, I was actually kind of excited for. He and I had a lot of the same interests; we both majored in film, and have jobs in entertainment. He asked me to go see a movie, which we all know as a no-no for a first date, but I thought it was appropriate for us. We had an awkward hello, before proceeding into the theater and exchanging a few words as the lights went out. "Is it going well so far? I wonder what we will do after? I am getting hungry, but we better keep it casual, go for coffee or hard liquor." I couldn't concentrate on the movie at all. And I'm a "lean-over-and-whisper" kind of person, but I learned quickly that he wasn't. But how is this even a date? Needless to say, the movie ended, he said he really had to go do something, leaned in to give me the "A-frame" hug, and topped it off with "I'll be in touch" No, I never heard from him again.

I have a friend who says it's easier for girls to online date. Yeah, they don't call me back either, so I don't know what he's talking about. But I've seen plenty of normal girls online, yet I seem to be a magnet for the bottom-feeders of the Internet. If I were a guy, I would have a large, eligible pool of ladies to choose from. Some guys eneed to stick with girls who swim in the same pool, if you know what I mean. So here are some guidelines: 1) If you're a girl, be careful, don't talk to guys who IM you and use cheesy lines, if they seem awkward and unpleasant it's because they are. 2) If you're a guy, don’t be a douche bag. Don't ask me to send you naked pictures, and don't ask stupid questions like "why are you still single?" It's not cool to make someone give you their number, and then text them 24-seven. I don't have unlimited text messages! So everyone, be careful out there; obviously only meet people in public places, come up with an escape plan in case you don't get what your ordered and at the very least, try to stick them with the bill.

I haven't had any good experiences with online dating, but I haven't had very many good experiences with online shopping either. If I get really desperate, I can just go to the store, try on that pair of jeans and hope somewhere, lurking in the dressing room, there will be a horny janitor.