Hypothesis

I have a theory that I will become more attached to every guy I date, than they will to me. Solely because I am a the woman.

I have another theory, that I will usually be the one to get dumped because I can't really be myself.

These theories, lead me to believe that I will be afraid to get dumped in each and every relationship I begin, and therefore dating will be the opposite of fun. It will be my ninth circle of hell.

So either I embrace this ninth circle of hell or just chill in the eighth circle alone.

Decisions.

you said it, beyonce

Online Dating 101

I wonder if this online dating thing is going to be how we all find dates in the future. For now, it's just what losers do unless you're like 40 and can’t get a date. Then you’re not a loser just Internet savvy. Do I classify myself as such? What? Internet savvy? No, why do you ask? Oh a loser? Yes. But several people recently have told me, "Online dating! You don't need to do that!" to which I say shut up dad and get off of the line.

I'm a member of OkCupid, which is a free site as opposed to eharmony which will cost you an arm and a leg because they do the matching for you, based on about 674 questions they ask you before you even start. Communicating with potential mates is further simplified by "guided" communication, or "not actually being yourself" so no judgment can happen yet. One pro is that as the rate of annoying questions increases, the probability of getting murdered decreases. But I'm on OkCupid because the percentages of kinky rapists are higher. On OkCupid they leave all the chitchat up to you; you have to establish a cute opening line with someone, so they won't just reject you based on your looks. After that comes a conversation that lasts "just long enough" so you think you know you want to meet the other person for "real." Usually by message three, I get impatient and say something like, "So do you like me or what?" Online dating is like online shopping; you don't know what anything really looks like, but after looking at the crappy picture a few days in a row, you just order it to see if it's a fit. If you actually get a date, you get to see your online purchase in person and if you are bold enough, try it on and decide if it's too small, too itchy or just plain ugly. With online shopping, you hope you don't get screwed; with online dating you hope they know how.

In the future, online dating will be faster. Right now, on OkCupid, there are various boxes you have to fill in about yourself. If you don't put up a picture, OkCupid will hint that you should REALLY put up a picture. After every message, OkCupid will tell you to change your profile, so that the other person is more likely to respond... thanks for the stalking advice, OkCupid, I'm glad you know how to manipulate people into liking me. In the future we will have to answer really personal questions. Are you circumcised? Do you enjoy surprise butt-sex? Upload a picture of your penis, so "So & So" is more likely to respond.

First meetings will never get easier. I have talked to a lot of guys online. Only two of them actually turned into "dates." I came home from one of them to find my date's age had mysteriously gone up seven years... The other one, I was actually kind of excited for. He and I had a lot of the same interests; we both majored in film, and have jobs in entertainment. He asked me to go see a movie, which we all know as a no-no for a first date, but I thought it was appropriate for us. We had an awkward hello, before proceeding into the theater and exchanging a few words as the lights went out. "Is it going well so far? I wonder what we will do after? I am getting hungry, but we better keep it casual, go for coffee or hard liquor." I couldn't concentrate on the movie at all. And I'm a "lean-over-and-whisper" kind of person, but I learned quickly that he wasn't. But how is this even a date? Needless to say, the movie ended, he said he really had to go do something, leaned in to give me the "A-frame" hug, and topped it off with "I'll be in touch" No, I never heard from him again.

I have a friend who says it's easier for girls to online date. Yeah, they don't call me back either, so I don't know what he's talking about. But I've seen plenty of normal girls online, yet I seem to be a magnet for the bottom-feeders of the Internet. If I were a guy, I would have a large, eligible pool of ladies to choose from. Some guys eneed to stick with girls who swim in the same pool, if you know what I mean. So here are some guidelines: 1) If you're a girl, be careful, don't talk to guys who IM you and use cheesy lines, if they seem awkward and unpleasant it's because they are. 2) If you're a guy, don’t be a douche bag. Don't ask me to send you naked pictures, and don't ask stupid questions like "why are you still single?" It's not cool to make someone give you their number, and then text them 24-seven. I don't have unlimited text messages! So everyone, be careful out there; obviously only meet people in public places, come up with an escape plan in case you don't get what your ordered and at the very least, try to stick them with the bill.

I haven't had any good experiences with online dating, but I haven't had very many good experiences with online shopping either. If I get really desperate, I can just go to the store, try on that pair of jeans and hope somewhere, lurking in the dressing room, there will be a horny janitor.

This Comedy Life

I'm trying to get used to the idea of being a comedian. A stand-up comedian, that is. It wasn't until people I barely know, that I work around in the office, really started complimenting me on being funny, that I thought seriously about it. Namely, when the really cute guy, known to 'Fearless Music' as the 'Eligible Bachelor' or the 'Pretty Boy,' started seeking me out to talk about it... I think it's because I am like, "I will work on anything with you..." (Eyelash bat, eyelash bat... you get the idea)

But I have to constantly remind myself: guys who think I am funny do not necessarily want to sleep with me. In my case, they never do. And as someone who resorts to comedy all the time, most likely as a defense-mechanism, I believe it is my best trait and the one I have worked the hardest at, therefore the one that should get me the guy. Not to mention how I started to feel at the prospect of this comedy life. Mike said, "I know your life-long dream is to make phone calls for 'Fearless Music,' but you should give this a try..." And I was like, "Yeah, duh!" I immediately had visions of myself as the next Tina Fey. I started looking at people on the subway thinking, "You don't even know you're sitting next to someone who will someday be a household name!"

How egotistical! How much fun! I sat down to write a joke and couldn't do it... What kind of comedian am I? Am I the goofy one who does voices and act everything out? Am I just sarcastic and dry like everyone says I am? Or, as I was recently told, I just need to do the open-mic to really figure it out. You find out when you're on-stage, not off, then you'll just confuse yourself.

This is like that "You can't get a job without experience, and you can't get experience without a job" debacle. One day it will all make sense. But for now, I'm still a comedian with my friends, I have people backing me up purely for the sake of comedy, that is. And I have the dream... or the drive or whatever it is.

Fuckin Technology

When I lose my phone, I always use someone else's phone, or my own house phone to call it and see if it is at the bottom of my car. But I can never decide whether to listen on the phone I'm calling from to make sure the phone is getting a signal, and it rings. I have to really listen for my phone because my cell phone is ALWAYS on vibrate. Vibrate- it's just the best setting! I can tell you so many reasons why- it's quiet, and not annoying; vibrating is ALWAYS a good thing! Doesn't it always make you smile? And you say, "I'm vibrating!" LOL. Also, I can never get my phone to ring and vibrate at the same time, especially with the same vibrating intensity.

So I'm listening on my own house phone, and it rings, and put my ear up to all the seats in the cars,but I kept hearing ringing coming from inside my house phone. And everytime I heard that sound I got a little excited even though it didn't mean ANYTHING. then it was, back and forth, and over and over. I'm pretty damn sure it wasn't in there. But it sure took me a long time to be sure.

I hate how technology gets you into trouble, like when you can't find your phone for a while, and people get really mad, and say they thought you could have been dead. But you're just like, before there were cell phones you would have just waited. And you wouldn't have been mad. Fuckin technology.

So I lose my phone, and I feel naked--at this point, I wonder if my mom tried to call. And she tried ALL night because she got worried about where I was, and when she couldn't reach me, she was reporting me missing, and calling whoever you call when you want them to look for someone. What if that was happening?!

Well it wasn't. And I'm safe. But naked, without my phone. :(

No smiles from vibrations.

I just realized that Cruella never really went away. I have been making all of these improvements, but Cruella still pops up. She criticizes the "old me" and now I just find versions of myself to criticize. And for some reason I like that. Everything seems so much better if I could drop this critical part. I don't know why but I'm not looking forward to this period after graduation.


Sometimes I don't want to publish these depressing blogs. But I think it is kinda interesting to look at, and be like " That's what being depressed is like" Good to know.

So like I said, I would like be able to enjoy things right now, instead of feeling really unsure about everything, and letting that drag me down.

my vlog idea

I kind of want to start a vlog-- you know with video, where I sit and talk to the camera.

Well, I think if I had a vlog, all the stuff I want to talk about, would get me into more trouble.  Like me wanting to show my pipe on camera, and show I dug the resin out.  I really want to show that.  wouldn't that be cool to see.  But I think that would be worse than just me talking about it here.  I mean the authorities probably wouldn't catch me, but my parents probably would.

And I'm really afraid of that.  

But now I think that everything that happens in life is just funny, and worth recording/writing down, and using later.  But instead of doing it twice- or planning, writing, and then shooting, just record it now.  save myself some time.  make it more authentic- and easy to make money off of. 

Ever since I saw "Reality Bites" i decided that my life really should be a documentary.

I mean, screw these College Life people, I wish I was doing that.

Man, I gotta do that.